li zhuang

If seven stars constitute a secret constellation, how many scars would make up a life?
I don't know. I don't know.
Mom started shouting in Chinese.
“Kang, your girlfriend is a wolf and you stroke her fur while she devours you.” Fire with green flame. I am dancing in front of it. The tongue of a serpent. I am dancing around it. Silent, naked.
Crack.
“You know she smokes weed every day. She is a drug addict.” Mother shouts. The flame turns greener and starts to speak pre-human tongues.
“I can't let you date someone that would ruin your life.”
When you destroy something, you inevitably create.
“I can't let you live a life like that, half-man, half beast.”
Animalistic dancing. No rhythm. Feathers glued to my shoulders.
“She will drag you down and you two would drown together.”
Dancing with an ancient bronze mask. Rusted eyes, long tusks. Who can survive the deep sea without a mask?
“She would drug you. Put pills in your food. In your water.”
Dancing with a bowl in my hands. An empty bowl brimming with moonlight. I drink from it.
“She would run out of money and then what would she do to you?”
Beg and steal. To steal a lotus from the fire.
“And she cuts herself. What if she goes mad and cuts you.”
Cutters never cut others. Can you feel pain in other people's thighs? Fallacy. Fallacy.
“This is an absolute no. I will cancel my flight back to China and stay here with you. I will watch you if I have to. Day and night.”
Fire creates shackles. It also melts them.
When you create, you destroy. Leaving no hope at all.
“I would strangle you with my own hands if I have to.”
I squat down, having swallowed a glass bottle. Experiencing cold and warmth at the same time, it breaks. It breaks into a hundred and seventy pieces and sticks in my throat. I try to pick them out piece by piece. If they are pieced together, would it be the same bottle? Would the bloodstained bottle utter a single word?  

A month ago, in my psychiatrist's office, I talked about Mom coming to visit me at the start of this semester. I was super excited since I had not seen her for a whole year since I started my M.A program in New York. And also because, Mom and I were always super close. For the first eighteen years of my life, Mom was my everything.
“I think I lack motherly love. Mom gives me fatherly love and Father is simply absent.” I enjoyed my witticism.
Like in a traditional Chinese family, fathers never care much about domestic life. Men have greater things to worry about. Father and I always feel awkward together without mom, having nothing whatsoever to say to each other.
“I think you mentioned that your bond with your mother was especially strong in high school.” Dr. Chen had a good memory.
“Yeah, at that time, we rented a small room near my school. One desk, one double bed and nothing else. So we slept together, ate together and did everything together. For three years. No privacy at all. I think that is why I am so bad at being alone.”
Dr. Chen's eyebrows began to tilt and form the shape of an inverted V. It happened whenever she felt concerned. Jotting down a few lines on her notebook, she said, “I think I would like to meet both you and your mother next session. Can you arrange that?”
“I will try.” I was not sure what Mom would say since psychiatric care in China still means cold walls, doctors wearing white coats, smell of alcohol pads and screaming and kicking of the mentally troubled, yeah, the madhouse. But since I have been receiving treatment for depression for three years in major Western cities like Edinburgh, Brisbane and New York, Mom came to understand psychological intervention more and more. She even ordered a DSM-5 handbook from Amazon and put it beside her pillow.
Mom was a bit tense while sitting on the large leather sofa facing Dr.Qin, who was dressed neatly in her navy blue pencil skirt and tailored jacket.
Having nodded amiably to me and Mom, Dr. Qin spoke in Mandarin, “So Kang, do you have anything specific that you would like mom to know about you?”
I laughed, “Nope. Mom knows everything about me. I am always one hundred percent honest with her.” I saw pride shining in Mom's eyes.
Dr. Qin's eyebrows became slanted again, “Do you feel that there could be too much honesty in a relationship?”
How much honesty is too much honesty? I shook my head.
“So is there time when mom's opinion differs from yours and you feel hurt?” Dr. Chen asked.
Tears came from nowhere.
“Yesterday I asked mom whether she would like to meet my girlfriend if things went well and she said no.”
I tried not to look at mom's face. “I asked her why and she said she wouldn't know how to face it. Then I asked her, ‘If I were dating a man, you would be willing to meet him right? Her answer was yes.”
Tears still running. Couldn't choke it back. My body spoke a language of its own.
“Is that what happened?” Dr. Chen turned to face mom.
Mom wriggled awkwardly in the chair. “Yes, but...”
Dr. Chen asked, “What do you feel when you see Kang so hurt?”
Mom lowered her eyes. “I didn't mean to. For all those years, I've tried to be a very good mother. I know same-sex marriage is legal in many countries and if it is legal, it can't be a bad thing. So I try not to interfere.”
“Then what are you afraid of? What might happen if Kang brings her girlfriend home?” Dr. Chen eyed Mom intently.
Mom thought for a long time, head bent down.
Finally she looked up. “I think I just still haven't accepted the fact that she likes women.”
Dr. Chen nodded understandingly.
“I wouldn't try to stop her because I want her to be happy. But if you want me to actively support that... It is just.... too hard.” Mom looked a bit intimidated. She knew that Dr. Chen was on my side.
Dr. Chen smiled. Her eyes became sleek and long, fox-like. “Can you imagine what would happen if you meet that girl?”
Mother didn't respond. I could see that she was trying very hard to picture that. “I am not good at hiding. Since I really don't like this kind of relationship, I would show it on my face. And if the relationship turned sour because of me, I would never forgive myself.” Mother heaved a sigh.
Dr. Chen leaned forward. “So you are afraid that the girl would leave Kang because of that?”
Mom thought for a while. “Perhaps not. If two people are truly in love with each other, they wouldn't separate simply because of that.”
Dr. Chen smiled in satisfaction, “Exactly. But it would mean so much to Kang if you agree to try.”
Mother was lost in thought again.
Sitting in front of my computer, I let out a cry.
“Mom! I just learned that I am going to read in our school's Utopia reading session. Would you like to come?”
Sitting on my spare mattress, Mom put down her book and smiled, “That is big news. Of course I will come.”
“And uh... I would ask my girlfriend to come as well. Would you like to meet her? It would be very short. Like after the reading. It is not like you guys are going to sit down and have dinner together or something like that.”
Without hesitation, Mother said, “Alright.”
I was so surprised and walked to her side. “What? Why did you change your mind? Was it because of what Dr.Chen said?”
Mother smiled. “Kind of. After that session, I have been thinking a lot. I'm imagining what would have happened if I met your father and really liked him and wanted to bring him home, but your grandma refused to meet him. I would be very hurt as well.”
I sat down beside her and buried my face in her arms.

Everything was melted in the golden spotlight at the Utopia Reading night:
“I would like to dedicate my work to two women present tonight. One is my mom who came all the way from China to hear me read in a language that she doesn't even understand.” There was pleasant laughter in the audience.
“The other one is my girlfriend. A girl who is pretty and smart and kind in heart. Xu. I love you so very much and I am so lucky to have you by my side. With these two women present tonight, I feel so absolutely happy, which is a rare case in my life.”
Green. The night was green when I finished my reading. People were crowding out of the room. I tried to get hold of two hands, one big and calloused, one small and smooth.
“Mom, I want to introduce you to my girlfriend Xu.” I looked expectantly at both of them.
“Hello. Xu.” Mom extended her hand.
“Hi, A Yi,” Xu gently held mother's hand and addressed mom as “auntie”, the Chinese way of showing politeness.
“This is such an unforgettable night for me. What about you? Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah, very much.” Xu smiled again, this time more relaxed.
“I hope you and my daughter could get along with each other. Don't ever let her bully you.” Mom touched Xu on the shoulder and with a light brush, she pulled her hand away.
“Haha, no way, A Yi.” Xu laughed and looked up at mom for the first time.
Sitting on the stairs below Snow Library, I was drunk in the sweet citrus smell of Xu's body.
“Xu, I do love you. Let us be together for a long long time until the earth explodes and becomes a nebula in the blue universe.”
“That is beautiful, Kang.” Xu rested her head on my knees.
At home, I took off my white shirt and black cravat.
“Do you like her? Mom.”
Mom did not look up from her book. “Yeah. She seemed nice.”
I immediately ran to her and hugged her tightly. “Thank you for agreeing to meet her. You are a wonderful mom.”
Mother held me in her arms and pressed me a little too tightly.
“Cuddling is way more intimate than having sex,” Xu once told me.
I didn't understand until I cuddled with her. It was a strange feeling. I felt like I was a clam. The outside of me was hard and coarse and dark, but I used my inside to hug her. The flesh, white and warm and soft, opened and then swallowed her, holding her tightly. The inside of me: a pearl. I couldn't feel the hardness of her but only something smooth and round. With her, I had a center. The center of a universe.
In Dr. Chen's office, I poured out my concern. “Doctor, I am worried. Everything is too perfect at this point, which frightens me.”
Dr. Chen asked, “Why do you think it is too perfect?”
I answered hesitantly. “After dating so many girls on dating apps. I finally find a girl I love and who also loves me.”
Dr. Chen nodded. She knew that I had dated almost a hundred girls before finding Xu.
I continued, “She is just too perfect to be true. She is in a good school. Has a good family. Her parents own a company. She is good-looking. Has a good personality. She is American Chinese and I've always liked Asian Americans. We share the Chinese cultural background and Western education. Mom likes her and my friends like her. Everything is a bit too perfect. It is like driving through downtown Manhattan and all the traffic lights are green. It feels surreal.
Dr. Chen smiled. “Perhaps happiness is not something you are used to in a relationship.”
“I guess happiness is something I have to learn to get used to,” I shrugged.
“Just relax and enjoy it a little bit.” Dr. Chen closed her notebook.
In my room, we had sex for the first time. My lips landed on Xu's eyebrows, her lips, her collarbone, her nipples, her underbelly, and then I stopped. On the upper part of her thighs where it linked to the belly, there were worms, red, hot, crisscrossing.
“What are those?” I asked.
“What do you think they are?” A bitter smile appeared on her face.
“You cut yourself?” A bead of hot sweat slid across my face, turning cold.
“Yeah.” She heaved a light sigh.
“Why would you do this to yourself?” I tried to stroke those worms with my fingers.
“I don’t know. I just have the urge to do so.”
“Wow, that is insane.”
“Yeah, sometimes, I just didn't know how to cope with life.” She lowered her eyelids and leaned back.
“Did it hurt very much?” I asked, tracing those deep and dark red lines.
She no longer avoided my gaze, “No. I just felt a kind of release.”
“A release of anger?”
“Probably.”
My lips finally landed on her thighs. I felt the warmth of the worms, naked, alive, constantly crisscrossing. Scars: cut open, stitched together. For how many times? I don't know. It is the crisscrossing of suffering. It is multiplying. Until, one day, there is nothing but the crisscrossing.
At Dr. Chen's office, I poured out my concern again. “Doctor, I found out that Xu cuts herself and she has been doing this for years.”
Dr. Chen didn't seem surprised. “So how do you feel about it?”
“I tried my best to be understanding and I know things have not been easy for her. But I still don't like it,” I confessed. “That is so unhealthy. I mean, there are numerous ways to deal with grief. Why did she choose this way?”
“People cope with their grief in different ways...” Dr. Chen began to do the shrink talk.
“But it is unhealthy.” I interrupted her.
“Why being healthy is so important to you?” Dr. Chen asked.
“Of course it is important.” I almost laugh out loud. Why would a psychiatrist ask such a dumb question? “Being healthy is a kind of life style. It shows your attitude towards life: whether you would work hard to improve yourself.”
“I would say it is a bad coping mechanism but that doesn't mean she is a bad person.” Dr. Chen said calmly.
“Yeah, it is just a bad coping mechanism.” Somehow I felt relieved.
“And she may learn to process her feelings in different ways if she seeks help.” Dr. Chen added.
“Yeah, that is right.”
Darkness began pouring down in the park. The sliding yellow streetlights and the autumn air formed a soft halo around Xu's body. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to me.
The image of the scars on her thighs suddenly came to my mind. “You know what, it is just chemicals.” I tried to sound cheerful.
“What?” She was caught off guard.
“Oh, you know. The cutting thing.”
“Oh,” she breathed a silent sigh.
“I've read an article. It says that when you cut your skin open, your brain gives out a kind of chemical that makes you feel happy. That is why people cut themselves again and again, in order to stimulate that kind of chemicals in their brain.” I went on.
“Yeah?” Her long eyelashes dropped tiny dark shadows on her face.
“You know what,” I was excited and eager to continue. “This chemical could also be triggered in other ways. Much healthier ways. Like doing exercises.”
“I wish it was that easy.” She pressed out a bitter smile.
“Why not? Tomorrow morning we will exercise together. It will help with your mood as well.” I stood up and nudged her.
“Maybe?” She turned her head and stared at a couple walking their giant husky by the river.
Sitting in Dr. Chen's large leather chair, I complained, “Last Wednesday, Xu and I went to a play together. I bought the tickets online and told her it was 25 bucks.”
“Yeah?” Dr. Chen listened carefully.
I suddenly felt reluctant to speak. “We went to the show. The show was splendid. But she didn't pay me back. The whole time.”
“Did you ask her to pay you back?” Dr. Chen asked.
I was a little embarrassed. “Maybe not. But it was clearly indicated that I would like her to pay me back when I told her the price.”
Dr. Chen shrugged her shoulders.
“After the show, we went to dinner together and I thought she would offer to pay for the dinner since I bought the tickets.” I went on.
“But she didn't?” Dr. Chen frowned.
“Well, she did and didn't. It was complicated.” I tried to recall what had happened that day. “So we finished the meal and the waiter put the check on the table. She took out her card and I waited for her to say that I didn't need to pay since I got the ticket. I waited and waited till the waiter came back and got her card and left. Since she didn't speak, I reluctantly drew out my card and tried to call the waiter back.”
“What did she do at that point?” Dr. Chen asked.
“I was waving to the waiter when she finally said, ‘it is Ok, I have to pay for the ticket.”
“So she did pay in the end.”
“But why did she wait so long? She could say that long before the waiter came if she was really willing to pay right? She only said that because I didn't take out my card.” I was upset that Dr. Chen was so slow in getting all this.
Dr. Chen's eyebrows became an inverted V again. “So let us say she is unwilling to pay. What does that mean to you?”
“You know in the last relationship, I spent a lot of money on my ex, buying her things that I cannot afford. Chanel bags and things like that. Mom found out about this and cut me off. I wouldn't want another girl who dates me for money,” I said bitterly.
“I think you are coming to the conclusion too soon.”
“But today,” I was eager to prove my point, “I bought two opera tickets for us and I asked her to venmo me. I was being so direct that it embarrassed me. You know Chinese people are not used to being so direct when dealing with monetary issues.”
Dr. Chen asked. “And she didn't do that?”
“She fucking didn't,” I said angrily. This whole thing was outrageous.
“Did you ask her why?” Dr. Chen was forever that calm, which angered me.
“No, but I will ask her later tonight since we are having dinner together.”
Dr. Chen nodded. “Sounds like a good plan.”
Having left Dr. Chen's office, I walked side by side with mom.
“So what did your doctor say?” Mom asked.
“Oh, she said I should ask her and see if she could give me some sort of explanation.” I answered.
“Are the tickets refundable? Perhaps you can return the tickets and just tell Xu you can't go.” Mom looked at me with concern.
“What?” Anger began surging in my breast.
“What kind of idea is that? So I return the tickets and this thing remain a mystery and I will never pay and never see a play and never do anything together with her. Is that what you are suggesting?” I looked at mom angrily.
“No...” She hesitated, obviously taken aback by my sudden explosion of anger.
“Why do you always try to escape when things happen? Why can’t you just face it.” It always displeased me. Mother's negative attitude toward life.
“But why would she do that? I just can't understand. I mean, she is not poor. Her family owns a company. Though she said it was a small company. It is still a company.” This whole thing was simply beyond me.
“Some girls just don't want to pay even if they are not poor themselves.” Mom said.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I stared at her.
“I think...” Mom hesitated and tried to avoid my gaze.
“What? Just say it. For God's sake.”
“I think the reason why she was so eager to enter a relationship with you is that she wanted someone to pay for her.” Mom finally said it out. My worst fear.
“So you think that nobody could fall in love with me just because of who I am?” My head began to burn.
“Well, you just haven’t met the right one.” Mother mumbled.
“Do you have any evidence to prove that?” I stopped walking and stared at her.
“You know what has happened.” Mom started to stare back. “As a mother, I should tell you what I think.”
“But there might be other reasons. Like perhaps she forgot to venmo me this morning. People do forget about things.” A desperate feeling made my words sound hollow. “Sometimes I just feel that you don't want me to be happy, mom.”

In Shake Shack, I sat on the bench and watched Xu eat a mushroom burger. I opened and closed my mouth several times.
“What?” Xu laughed. Her eyes narrowed into two pretty arcs.
My heart began to ache.
“Why didn't you venmo me this morning. Did you venmo it to someone else.” I pretended to laugh in a relaxed way.
“Oh, I forgot. Sorry I was busy doing my group project at that time. What is your venmo? ” She pulled out her phone.
“So what do you usually do with you ex? Like who pays? Or perhaps you both pay?” I asked nervously.
“Oh, I don't really care. I guess most the time we just split the bill. It is easier this way.” She stared at the iPhone screen and answered briskly.
“Can I steal some of your fries?” Those fries were chunky and yummy. I was glad that things were solved so easily. Back at home I told mom excitedly, “You know, she paid me back.”
“Good.” Mother turned her head towards the window..
At Vos Cafe, Xu and I studied together. Two Macbooks shimmered blue on the mahogany table. The three tables around us were empty. Monday afternoon.
I was frustrated by the short story I was writing and had to take a break.
“Xu, talk to me Ok? I am so tired.”
She looked up from her laptop and smiled, “Sure, what should we talk about?”
“So what did your mother do after she found out you were a lesbian?” I finally asked the question I had always wanted to ask.
Lightly, she put the spoon at the edge of the plate.
“She didn't take it well. And for a long time we avoided talking to each other.”
“That is all?” I asked incredulously. Things couldn't be that easy.
“She just let you continue your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?”
“It seemed so. I didn't know that she had logged into my Facebook and talked to Evelyn behind my back. Two weeks after, I received an e-mail from Evelyn saying that she was tired and she no longer wanted this relationship.” The blush disappeared from her face.
“How did you find out about your mother? Evelyn told you?”
“Yeah. After a year when we ran into each other in the bathroom. It was a small school.” She closed her laptop and rested her chin on it.
“You never thought you mom was behind the whole thing?”
“No. I guess I just trusted her. And I was relying on Evelyn too much so I was always afraid that she would be tired and leave me. I always expect the worst. It is my thinking pattern.” Her eyes were half closed.
“I see.” I swallowed something bitter.
“So what happened after that?”
“After that, Mom introduced me to her business partner's son. And we dated for almost a year.”
“For a year?”
“Yeah. That was the man I lost my virginity to.” She tilted her chin and looked outside of the window.  
“Did you even like that man?” I frowned. I didn’t like lesbians who slept with men.
“Well. He was not unkind. I think I even liked him at some point. But I just can't love him.”
Outside there were children playing skateboard. Jumping up, remaining in the air for two or three seconds before falling back to the ground, captives of gravity.
“Why did you leave him then?” Perhaps she just cannot put up with this anymore?
“No, he left me. He got tired of me and fell in love with another girl.”
“Why would you do this to yourself?” I was upset by the matter of fact way she talked about those things.
“Well. I was always the perfect little girl in my parents' eyes. Hardworking. Obedient. Always did well in school. The very thought of me disappointing them was horrifying. And I guess I just want to live in a way they approve of.”
“Get married and live in a big house and have lots of children.” I said bitterly.
“Yeah.” She looked back at me with a strange smile. It reminded me of moonlight shining through ancient ruins. The stones and bricks flickered vaguely.
“I see.”
“I know you wouldn't let that kind of thing happen to you.” She said.
“I would rather die.” I tried to repress the anger in my voice.
She stopped speaking.
The children were still doing their tricks with their skateboards. Jumping incessantly for a moment of liberty. What was the point of jumping up when you knew you would fall back on the ground anyway? The “crack” “crack” sound made my heart jump.
“So that was when you became depressed and started cutting yourself?”
“Yeah.” The smile was still there. Impenetrable.
“Then why did you start dating girls again?” With no particular reason, I tried to avoid saying “dating me.”
“When I decided to apply to graduate schools at New York, I figured that was my only chance to be free. Free to live a little bit.”
“Yeah, to finally live a bit.” My tongue lingered on the sound of “live”, making it last a second longer.
“Why didn't you try to talk to your mom? Wouldn't she understand after all these years?”
“I think she cares more about what our relatives and friends think than my happiness. You know the American Chinese circle is small.”
Those aunties and uncles who fed on gossip and would like every member of the family married as soon as they reached puberty. I know them too well. People never change, no matter where they go.
“And she would do whatever it takes to maintain her dignity in front of them. It is all about being a perfect mom, a perfect wife and having a perfect daughter.”
“But life is never that perfect.” I retorted.
For the next five minutes neither of us spoke.
“But I am glad you found me.” At last, I found something appropriate to say.
“Yeah, I am so lucky.” There were again stars in her eyes. She reached out her hands and held on to mine. I bent my head to kiss them.

That night, holding Xu in my arms, I enjoyed the warm pressure of her existence. Drowsiness kissed me, wave after wave. I felt my body was floating with hers. Two lonely planets floating in the vast and blue universe.
“Xu,” I mumbled, lips against her forehead, “One day, we will get married and have a big big house. We'll have one dog, two cats and a beaver who comes to our yard often to steal food from the garbage bin.”
“No Bunny?” Xu asked.
“Bunny would be dead by then.” I stroked her silky hair.
“We can get another one, silly.” Her eyelids fluttered against my face. A ticklish feeling.
“Ok, one bunny then.” I holder her tighter. Her scalp smells so sweet, like fresh citrus.
“And we will have a swing in our garden. And we will sway back and forth. Back and forth. Until we are high up in the sky and slide into the white clouds. And I will take a piece of the clouds and make you a dress.”
“It would be such a wonderful idea to come back home.” She put her hands around my waist.
“And I would be standing on the porch, waiting for you. My arms stretch far far out...” I kept murmuring, till the darkness overwhelmed me.

It was the first time I came to her place and it was such a small room: a bed, a nightstand, a wardrobe, a free standing floor mirror covered by sheets, and a tiny mahogany desk. Curtains were drawn tightly, cutting away the traffic lights from the streets.
“I like those curtains” I said, putting my backpack down.
“You do?” she smiled.
“Yeah, I like the color of it. It brings life to everything in your room. The porcelain cats and baby figurines.”
“I am glad you like it. This is your room as well.”
I pulled her close to me and kissed the corner of her eye. There was a thin layer of fine hair that I loved to touch. Kissing her is like kissing a small animal, a little creature that is frightened at your approach but let you stroke it anyway. Our lips locked and our tongues entangled. I pushed her down on her bed, licking her in the neck while slowly undressing her. The world gradually disappeared and I was drunk in her sweetness.
“Having sex with women is so good.” Xu murmured. “You don't have to worry...”
“What?” I rubbed my eyes.
“You don't have to worry about getting pregnant. But sleeping with a man is different. I got scared all the time.” Xu sat up and slowly arranged her hair into a bun.
“Why not use a condom?” I didn’t understand.
“Well. I guess I just wanted to please him.” She narrowed her eyes as if concentrating on something afar.
“You were being stupid.” I got angry at the way she treated herself. “What if you got pregnant?”
“Yeah, I know. I was just being stupid and I thought he would marry me in the end.”
The word “marry” stung my ears. A feeling of concern rose from my stomach.               

“Would you marry a man one day to please your parents?” I grabbed her hands.
“No, not when I am with you.” She smiled and gave me a light peck on the cheek.
Having her in my arms, I fell into deep sleep. At around 3 am, I woke up and reached for the mug on the nightstand. Then I found out Xu was gone. Was she in the bath room? I wondered. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn't. After about ten minutes, she still didn't come back. I got impatient. What took her so long? I was about to get out of bed when she pushed the door open and walk in silently.
“Oh, you are back. Come here.” Holding her in my arms, I pressed my face down into the nape of her neck and inhaled the smell of her. Suddenly, a strange smell caught my attention: it was not the usual smell of hers, the pleasing sweet citrus smell, but something stronger, a smoky smell.
“Did you just smoke? Xu.” I stared at her. It was a bit surprising. She never told me she smoked and I had never seen her smoke. At least for the past month.
“Well, it was not even tobacco.” She turned her head so that I couldn't see her eyes.
“Then what is it?” My mind became really slow at this point.
“Well, it is uh, marijuana.” She whispered.
“What? You sneaked out of bed to smoke weed? At this hour?” I looked at her incredulously.
“Yeah, I was stressed and couldn't sleep.” She sat down and grabbed my hand.
“Why didn't you tell me beforehand? I feel like you should have let me know when we entered this relationship. This is important for me.” I pulled the curtain open to let in some light.
She lowered her eyes and for a moment neither of us spoke.
“I guess, I just wanted to be your perfect girlfriend. And I am afraid…”
“You are afraid that once you tell me, I might break up with you?”
“Yeah, kind of. I know how Chinese people view marijuana. Like it is dangerous and it is illegal. You could go to prison for smoking it.”
“Do your parents know that you smoke weed?”
“No, I dare not tell them. They are very traditional Chinese parents. They wouldn't believe that marijuana is not that big of a deal and it is far less harmful than they think. I guess… They might just freak out.”
“So how often do you smoke?”
“Every day. I just feel nauseous and couldn't eat anything if I don't smoke.”
“Xu, you have to know that this is a very big deal to me. I don't like girls who smoke weed and I swiped left on all the girls who said they did drugs on okcupid.”
“Why are you so against it, Kang?”
“I just don’t like it when people get controlled by something, especially substances. I see it as a kind of weakness. They are just not brave enough to face their problems and find out ways to fix them. Instead, they choose to indulge themselves and turn to intoxication and drugs.”
“I see.” A look of desperation appeared on her face.
“I feel like I have been cheated into a relationship.” I stood up and started putting on my shirt. “Xu, I tried to accept every part of you. But I cannot accept things that I do not know.”
“I know. I should have told you. Kang.” Her face looked exceptionally sad under the moonlight.
Anger surged in my chest. “And I am so clean. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs and I don't sleep around. I am so fucking clean.”
“Yeah, you are. I am sorry.”
I sensed a change in her voice and I turned back to look at her. Her eyes became red and watery.
“Oh don't cry. Xu. I am sorry. It pains me to see you so sad.” I held her in my arms. For no particular reason, I started kissing her. Kisses landed on her eyebrows, on her eyes, on her nose, on her cheeks, on the tattoo of seven stars on her back and finally we lied down together.
When my fingers entered her body, she moaned. I looked up at her and found two drops of tears at the edges of her eyes. Tiny, pearl like and still. I climbed up to her and licked them out.
Sitting on the stairs outside of her apartment, we waited for my Uber to come. Xu sat next to me. Her arms clung to mine. We listened to the breathing of the night.
“What will happen if I leave you, Xu?” I didn't turn my head to look at her.
For a long time, there was only silence.
Finally she spoke, “Well, I guess I would be OK? I would be crushed. But I would be fine.”
The approaching yellow lights blurred my vision. Silently, I got into the car.

Mother was surprised when I got back home. “Why you came back at this hour? Was anything wrong between you guys? Did you fight?”
“No.” I began undressing myself and desperately wanted to have a shower.
Sensing something wrong, mom went up to me. “Kang, what happened?”
I struggled about whether I should tell her. The drive of the old habits were powerful. I couldn't stand hiding something from her.
“Mom, I will only tell you if you agree to stay out of it. You have to promise to be neutral about this and let me decide what I am going to do.”
“Ok, I promise,” mom said eagerly.
“She smokes weed and she didn't tell me.” I blurted it out. “Yeah, I know it is terrible but I love her so much. And we are so happy together.” I was so lost in my thought that I was not aware of the change in mom's face.
“What did you say?” Mom raised her voice and it startled me.
“I said she smoked weed and I couldn't decide whether I should date her anymore.”
Mom stepped forward and grabbed my shoulder. “You know last year Jackie Chan’s son smoked weed in his apartment and got arrested. Nobody would ever want to see him on the big screen. He was ruined. Done.”
“Yeah, I know.” I was a bit impatient. It was all over the newspapers.
“Do you know how many police officers lose their life each year trying to stop drug dealing?”
“Mom. I know. I need to think.” The redness in her eyes unsettled me.
“And you would still want to date someone like that?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps she can quit?”
“Oh, Kang. Don't be naive. Drug addicts never quit. You see the pictures outside the rehab center? Those people, thin as ghosts and crawling on the streets begging for drugs?”
“But I learned that marijuana was considered a mild drug here in America.” I tried to get the image out of my head.
“A mild drug? Have you lost your mind? You read that article about that boy who studied at Canada and started smoking weed. When weed can’t satisfy him, he started doing other drugs and he died at the airport in his mother’s arms.” Mom kept shouting and I could see the tremor of redness in her mouth.
“And also that girl who had a group of American friends and they taught her to inhale helium from a balloon. What happened to her next? She had go back home in a wheelchair. Completely paralyzed. You think her friends are gonna take care of her for the rest of her life?”
Of course I knew these two stories. They were all over the Chinese social media. For several days on end, I could see nothing on my WeChat storyline but articles about those incidents.
I had an uncle, a farmer who never left his village in Southern China. He sent me an article about that paralyzed girl on WeChat and told me America was dangerous. “Finish your degree quickly and come back to China. People in America are dying everyday because of guns and drugs. Don't ever forget the Opium War. That is what those Westerners had done to us Chinese people. When they couldn't force us to trade with them, they poisoned us with drugs.”
I had to promise him again and again that I would never do drugs or even befriend people who do that.
At the other side of the room, mother is stepping back and forth and kept yelling. I felt the inside of my head churning.
“Stop talking mom. This thing is already bothering me too much.”
“I don’t care. I am asking you to leave her. Now. Call her.” Mom picked up my phone and squeezed it in my hand.
“No, mom.” I stepped back in fear.
“I am telling you. Now.”
“You promised to stay out of this.” My hands started to tremble.
“Not when it is that serious. Not when it concerns drugs.” Mother’s grip on my shoulders tightened. “Can I sit back and look at you date someone that would ruin your life? Just get rid of her. Now.”
“You know I don't like drugs myself, mom. But people in America see marijuana in a very different way.” A feeling of despair began to arise in my chest.
“I don't care what the Americans think. You are Chinese and don't you ever forget that.” Mother's look was so stern.
“I would ask her to get support. And she will get support. Mom. Please.” I wanted to escape from this room and get more air. It was harder and harder for me to breathe.
“It is either her or me.”
Green fire began to burst out in my room. It lit up my face and mom's face.
“Break up with her. Now.” Mother yelled.
“No, mom please. It is so hard for me to find a girl that I love who loves me as well.” My throat began to feel so dry.
“Call her now.” Mother began shoving me and I felt my back again the corner of the wall.
“Mom. For so long, I have been alone and unhappy and I thought I was abandoned by God.”
“I would die if I see you date a drug addict.” The flame crackled loudly. My ear began to bleed.
“Mom.”
“I will cut you off if you still date her.”
“What? Again?” I had a hard time processing this.
“I would rather you go home without a degree. I can't bear to see you throw away your life like that.” Mom waved her phone at me. “I would book two tickets back to China now. Kang, let's go home.”
All of a sudden, there was only the opening and closing of her mouth. Red syllables scattered everywhere.
In the deafening silence, I started undressing myself. I touched my thighs. The skin was so smooth. So smooth and flawless that it felt unreal.
If seven stars constitute a secret constellation, how many scars would it take to make up a life?
Silently and naked, I started dancing around the fire. Dancing like a heathen. Feathers glued to my skin.
Quicker and quicker became my dance steps.
Animalistic dancing. Half man. Half beasts. Lots of limbs.
“Drown together...”
“drug you...”
“cuts you.”
“watch you.”
“strangle you”
Silently, without turning back, I walked into the flame. It was so green. In the flame, I saw a big house, with one dog, two cats and a beaver stealing food from the rubbish bin. A bunny hopped on the balcony. I was standing at the porch, arms stretching far far out...